I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
