apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
