Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
