Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Floor bacon is actually really good
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
