I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
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the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
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I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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