no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
