I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
