Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
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Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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