Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
