so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
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Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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