My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like a drive thru vagina
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
