woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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