Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
