If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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