the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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