You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
