I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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