I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
