please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
