3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
