Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
