I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
