Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
