and you said cock pushups were impossible
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
