my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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