I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
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My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
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Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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