I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
