I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
