why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
