I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
