I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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