believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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