So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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