She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
