that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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