Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
