Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
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I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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