Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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