I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
