Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
