i would punch a child for taco bell
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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