Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
