Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
