My sheets look like a crime scene.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
