Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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