Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
