I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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