I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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