We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
