So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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