I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
And then my night got REAL pukey
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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