I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he thought i was a dude.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
