yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
