mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
