I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
