Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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